Induction: Attempted.

July 18th was the day I was scheduled to begin labor. Baby T had plans otherwise. After 12 hours of being hooked up to Pitocin with little progress, the decision was made to go home. The pitocin was working because I contracted all day long however the contractions were not strong enough to dilate me. The alternative involved a forceful push to evict the baby which, especially considering the Reiki therapy I've experienced, felt wrong. I can say this now but in the moment, I wanted to scream.

For me, this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever confronted. Let me clarify...it was the most difficult PATH. Now, I am completely content with the decision made; I feel confident being back home. I knew Baby Z had options and we had to be his advocates, his voice. No one was telling me he or I was in danger. No one was telling me there was only one choice. But I was struggling with the penetrability of my own voice. The thoughts, the options, the choices were becoming agitated and I could not see. Seemingly, there was no crystal lurking beyond the fog. If my brain were a chalkboard and all the choices were listed, in my mind's eye every single one of those choices were smudged illegibly.

People joke about the emotions of a pregnant woman. For those of you who know me, you may have recognized I have my moments of indecision yet I have always considered myself to be quite connected to my gut instinct. If have some trouble, I can hone in, re-focus and find what my gut instinct feels. I usually like options. However, sometimes I tend to weigh so many options that I make it more difficult for myself and in this case, definitely. The scene inside my head was far from black and white. There was no neon arrow pointing in one direction for me despite what everyone else in the room may have felt. No one else could comprehend how I was feeling. A part of me just wanted someone to tell me what to do. A part of me felt guilty for not being able to make a decision. As parents, humans have been known to have an animalistic protective instinct. Of course I want what's best for my child!What about me? Was I being selfish? A part of me just wanted everyone. to. go. away. I felt panicked and was desperate to tap into my Reiki energy powers to guide me. I had to find something to hold on to otherwise I was getting swept away in the stares, the words, the noise, the everything.

The climax of the evening came when Dr. Amy came in around 6:30pm. She did another check and I was still at barely 1.5 cm. She was going to try to break my water to help along the contractions and let the night continue. My doula, Kim, Jason and I had prepared some questions for her earlier in the afternoon. As she was checking me, Jason said he wanted to ask some questions first. I had seen Amy and nurse, Jocelyn, get out the Amniohook (to break the water) but didn't put two and two together at the time that she was going to check me then go ahead and try to break my water.

I think sometimes when something is happening TO YOU, you get lost in the translation. Like I said, I saw her get the hook out but didn't actually think it was going to happen also despite Jocelyn warning me that there would be a big gush. In my head I was still thinking Amy was going to check me, we'd talk, then conceivably my water would be manually broken. I must give kudos to Jason for interjecting because I wonder if she would have gone ahead with the breakage!? I could return to that moment and ask why is my water going to be broken? To persuade stronger contractions. What if they don't come? What if my body continues to refuse to contract and I get stuck with a broken water bag, a ticking clock, and no time to go home?!
After Amy checked me, she sat back in a chair and said, "Sure, what questions do you have?" We started to rattle them off and the conversation got started. I still felt suspended. I began to sense what everyone else wanted me to do. I still wasn't sure what I wanted. Go home? Stay? Again, I tried to return to myself to feel that gut instinct. Remember that great gut instinct that I possess to which I previously referred? Lost. Gone. I could sense what everyone wanted me to say. I was unable to feel it wholly. Something was in the way. (Perhaps that is what bothered me more?)

Dr. Amy and Nurse Jocelyn picked up on that maybe we were having some trouble. They excused themselves from the room but minutes later, they returned laughing. I admit it broke some tension that I welcomed. Amy said, "Jocelyn has some great idea for you guys..." Jocelyn said she suggested we should go home and suggested some "things" to do to keep encouraging the contractions. I felt instant relief.

Obviously, you all know what was decided. I'm home now still pregnant. :)

Today I had an ultrasound to confirm everything inside is still in proper working order. Placenta looks fabulous with no sign of breaking down nor calcifying, the baby is estimated at 9lbs, 4oz, and he's floating in a bountiful amount of fluid. The kid is happy. He's got his legs all curled up, straddling my sides, head is down and flush against me and slightly facing my left hip. His spine runs pretty much parallel with my mid line as well. I have an appointment Thursday for a non-stress test. Next Monday/Tuesday are tentative dates for induction #2 where T-nuts will most definitely be born to err on the side of safe measures.

What's the lesson here? Lots. And here's a few... 
1. I understand more so now the importance of birth plans. I have one. I did not have an "induction birth plan" which could be a contributing factor to how things played out. I don't think anyone anticipates or considers the possibility of being induced but going home later still pregnant. Here's my chance to return to the roots, return to the birth plan, return to what I truly want.
2. Patience is a virtue and let's face it, my life stories will tell you I can use some tips on patience.
3. Baby T knew Jason and I needed to have these conversations. We were put in these situations for a reason to fuel uncharted territory.

Truth be told, Baby Z will be born at SOME point. Let's ALL be patient. It'll be so, so, SO worth it.